The American Institutes for Research has issued a statement blaming the “negative energy” from parents, teachers and students who hate hate hate the Florida Standards Assessment for this week’s mega-glitches in the operation of computers administering the testing.
“As any expert in the paranormal knows, strongly emotional thoughts – either negative or positive – can have profound impacts on the fabric of the universe,” said AIR testing technology director Telek Inesis. “The fix to this situation will require reversing the present hostile psychic environment, and we have to do it quickly.”
To address this situation, Florida Education Commissioner Pam Stewart announced that every student, parent and teacher involved in FSA testing will receive a half gallon of chocolate ice cream prior to the commencement of testing on Wednesday morning. When asked if the state’s schools have sufficient freezer capacity to keep the ice cream frozen, the Commissioner replied, “I am 100% confident that we have this covered.”
The FLDOE has scheduled a “load test” for the freezers in the state’s public schools on Thursday to make sure that sufficient capacity exists to support the ice cream plan.
I sincerely hope that readers have figured out that this is a joke before they get to this line.